These are deep questions to be wrestled with. What a great blog to write because it allows your audience to process together. It helps me to gain clarity as I grapple through my thoughts and fight to find words.
I, like you, have found meaning and clarity in the struggle… but it does ebb and flow. Some days, it is much easier than others to find it, but with time, it becomes clearer.
Steven, I am restating your definitions here as I refer back to them.
Restitution - repayment or compensation for harm done.
Restoration - making something whole again or reinstating what was lost.
First - Let's address restitution. I think restitution is only possible if the foundation of the church/community is established in such a way that it seeks to love, honor, and protect its body of believers. There must be proper checks and balances for accountability in place. I’m not one to pretend to know what that looks like, but I am aware that there are some church bodies fighting to establish just this! I believe I’ve heard Michael Miller with Reclamation Church in Denver is working to construct something of the sort. The very foundation of the church must have a plan in place to handle situations of clergy spritual abuse and sexual abuse. Let's face it, without safeguards in place those pastors/leaders are human and they are prone to sin, just as we all are. Power and influence can create a sense of invincibility with little, to no accountability, resulting in abusive behaviors. I think without a foundation already set, finding restitution within the church/community that has caused the harm, is very unlikely to happen. They are neither prepared nor educated on how to handle such situations.
As I reflect on my experience at IHOPKC I can’t help but replay the countless scenarios that could have had the potential of such different outcomes. Restitution, to me, looks like humility. Restitution could have been possible if the cries of injustice were met with a genuine response of empathy and concern. A humble response could have brought so much safety, healing, and depth of relationship within our community. To be heard, validated, and yes, even protected, would have provided my heart, and the hearts of others, with much-needed comfort as well as a token of trust in the leadership. In the beginning for me, it wasn’t even a matter of who was right or wrong. It was more about being heard, validated, and protected when harm was being committed. As things within the IHOP community intensified due to the amount of allegations coming forward against Mike, if leadership had come together and addressed a hurting community with something like the following:
“You know, we have failed so miserably in protecting and hearing the cries of those who were hurting and abused. Our leadership has failed, would you forgive us? Would you help us make this a safe place?” Add in your own words here. You get the picture. What needed to be said from leadership was something that stated empathy, validation, and ownership with a desire to make it right.
Despite things having been handled so poorly in the beginning, words like this, or something along these lines could have helped bring the much-needed healing my soul was longing for. This is what I had HOPED for but sadly this has not been IHOPKC’s response. (I want to clarify when I say IHOPKC I also am referring to Forerunner Church as they are one and the same.) This has not even been the response of individual leaders within the body, except for those who have left the church because of their convictions. The lack of accountability and ownership within our IHOP community by the leadership reflects the very foundation it was built on. It signals a red flag waving that says this church/community is unable to move forward healthily. For churches/communities seeking to have proper checks, balances, and accountability in place, I also think there should be an allocation of finances to provide professional counseling to help bring restoration to those who have been harmed.
Restoration: I love this word and the hope it embodies! Restoration is a process and it takes time. When I am talking about restoration, I am not talking about the restoration of the perpetrator or abuser but rather of the restoration of the one harmed. This isn’t a one-and-done thing, it's a process. In my opinion, how a church/community responds to restitution can profoundly impact the individual's restoration process. When good care is provided the healing can occur more quickly. If a church/community is unhealthy - much like that of IHOPCK, then finding the path to restoration can be much more difficult.
My restitution came through a good therapist (more than one I might add!) and supportive friends and family providing me the opportunity to heal while restoring my heart and soul. God, in his gentleness, has somehow walked me through the fire. The restoration has been, and will continue to be, a slow process that has come by way of countless different avenues, because for me, the church doesn’t feel safe right now and that’s OK.
This experience has taught me so much. I am not ready to go back to church but there will be a time when I am, and when I do, I will be all the wiser in asking questions regarding church governance and transparency. I, like you Stephen, will want to know about policies in place that deal with clergy sexual abuse and spiritual abuse. I don’t believe all churches are bad or all pastors are evil predators who are out for their own gain. I am not cynical, bitter, or unforgiving. I am also not as naive as I once was to believe that pastors or leaders are all good and they have my wellbeing in mind as they lead.
As difficult and painful as this whole experience has been, I can honestly say I have become a better version of myself. It has been a brutally steep learning curve. I don’t see my mistakes and failures as setbacks but rather as opportunities to learn and grow from them. My faith and my love for God have become much more rooted and grounded because amid all the “ICK” I have continued to see his faithfulness to me and my children. He has had my back even when I couldn’t see it. I am filled with more hope for the future than I ever was before. All of our journeys will look different and that’s OK. We need to be kind and patient with ourselves and trust that God will lead us in our healing because he is good and he cares.
I sign off with this….he truly is giving me beauty for ashes and for this I am grateful!
Isaiah 61:3 “To all who mourn I will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, and praise instead of despair.”
Great to see someone who shares my struggle in going back to church. Our struggles may differ on this matter, but I believe they match up. I'm struggling to go back to church because every single church we've gone to in the past decade or so has been pastor-centric. I say this meaning the pastors are so disconnected from the congregation and the churches being just money machines. Along with mucho Charismatic abuse (I say this as a Charismatic). I'll leave it at that for now and hope to see others who can provide answers.
Hi Stephen, thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey. How did I begin to heal? I've ended up at ground zero in many ways. First thing was to 'park' what my theology on the prophetic is to one side, and I'll return to that later. Next was to throw out all the prophetic words I'd had (sounds drastic, but sometimes the baby has to go with the bathwater) because those words were too tangled in the echo chamber of a toxic church culture. Those false words were used to manipulate and keep me serving one man's personal vision and his quest for significance, and the soil that it all thrived in was a hyper-charismatic environment. An example: I don't want to hear I'm part of the 'nameless faceless generation' (stripping identity), and then be told I'm an Esther or a Shulamite (replacing my identity). I need to discover who I am again apart from these identities that were imposed on me. Another simple thing I've done, is just give myself permission to step out the busyness, stay close to home, and find moments of solitude. The whole 'urgency of the hour' thing just put immense pressure on me/us to pray in revival and give ourselves into the cause wholeheartedly without just enjoying the simplicity of moments with my family. Exhausting. Lastly, I love to study and think, so reading and finding language to understand how to recover - immensely helpful. Time is my friend, and I'm in no rush to get all healed up and onto the next thing. I keep stepping forward one day at a time, expecting that it won't always be smooth sailing, but that it'll be beautiful, raw and real.
On the restitution question - that seems impossible. How will I, or many of us, ever have those lost years compensated for? How do we speak up and tell our stories of prolonged and systematic spiritual abuse? This is costly as you will have seen. The response to revelations of a well-loved leader being an abuser, range from disbelief that a hero could be a villain, to those where the narrative is turned on the victim. It's too much to bear for many. How can there be full restoration and restitution without full light on the abuse that took place? Many won't do this, because of the further pain that it will cause. This is why many stay silent.
I have more questions than answers at present. And I'm grateful to others who are asking them too. I'm watching many of your journeys and hope we can find a collective space to breathe, process, feel safe, and find a measure of freedom.
Some of the worst abuse I experienced was while working in a mission organization. My observation was and still is that many very wounded people become missionaries in their struggle to feel worthy of love. A friend in that organization told me the percentage of mentally ill within the organization was higher than in the general population.
And then there is evil, people sent by the evil one. My experience was confusing, but evil creates confusion. For many years I wondered, is this person just weak and overcome by temptation or is he a wolf in sheep clothing. I never got a clear answer and eventually was able to lay my experiences at The Lord’s feet. HE knows. I don’t have to. HE judges with perfect understanding, knowledge, goodness. HIS judgment will be perfect! I rest in that.
For many years red flags and blaring alarms went off in my head whenever I met people with similar characteristics. I’ve learned not to go back to the mission campus or church where these things happened. On the campus I’m always attacked by someone I’ve just met. They don’t know me but the demonic realm does.
Healing began in a small group of Christians who came to know, love and care for me. Talking about what happened in a safe place helped me process. They found it hard to believe or relate to some of it but their prayers brought me through the worst of it.
I was slow to acknowledge abuse that happened early in life, outside the church , so I didn’t deal with it for 45- years. Because of lack of trust it was hard to even voice much of it. There were years of self discovery,understanding, revelation. God was kind to bring special people into my life who saw me better than I saw myself and encouraged me to learn counseling techniques. There were also books on abuse that helped explain my experiences.
Eventually I discovered I’d disassociated from the earliest events. They were not sexual or ritual so integration was relatively simple using timeline therapy.
Still it is a journey. What I see is different from most Christians.
I have decided to remove my comments from your article after seeing what you wrote about Eric Volz. Really? Trying to bring him under a cloud of suspicion because Daniel Ortega needed an Americano fall guy in a murder case. You really should be ashamed.
I understand. I went to ORU and was spiritually abused when I reported sexual harassment/sexual battery against myself and other students. It took years after that to sort through all that took place. I attended a Baptist church for a bit in an attempt to get away from the charismatic abuse. There I had a pastor…well, let’s just say he acted inappropriately. I never reported that, in the haze of all the previous spiritual abuse. In the healing process, I ironically ended up going to Gateway. Things there after awhile seemed “off” among some of the lower pastoral staff (never would have imagined all that has come out, though). Ended up going to an AG college which did bring me healing and stability. They have a process for reported abuse. Even with that, there will always be stories of things that weren’t handled well. I’m currently back in Tulsa, land of ORU. I’ve leaned toward AG because of their process for reporting abuse (their children’s department says call police first and then them, which I appreciate).
More than anything, though, I have had to be wise and know that no matter how discerning I or others are, abuse happens. So I find confidence more in helping my kids and our family have our process of reporting and making issues clear. I’ve taught my kids all the correct anatomical names and I’ve taught them that their body is their own and worth protecting and no one should be touching them in certain areas/ways. And that we don’t keep secrets so not to listen to anyone trying to keep a secret with them. Then, when we have our kids in a church/christian/kids activity, I let the organization/leaders know: the kids know their body parts, the kids don’t keep secrets, and we call police. If there is a problem with that, it pretty much makes it clear what the organization processes are. It also places that value and protection over our kids and their friends.
It took me years to come back to the person I was in college who reported abuse and to have that confidence again. This time around, I’m not going to be “loyal” to an organization over God’s protection of people, even if the organization is fully convinced they are “God’s anointed.”
Carissa, wow. I think accepting that abuse will inevitably happen within the church is a hard but necessary truth. What truly defines the character of an institution isn’t whether harm occurs—it’s how the church responds when it does.
I also really appreciated this:
"Then, when we have our kids in a church/Christian/kids activity, I let the organization/leaders know: the kids know their body parts, the kids don’t keep secrets, and we call the police. If there is a problem with that, it pretty much makes it clear what the organization processes are."
That’s such a stronger, clearer approach than what I had in mind. Instead of being antagonistic, you’re assertive—you’re setting boundaries upfront rather than reacting after something goes wrong. You’re not just establishing your own expectations within the institution; you’re actively teaching your children to advocate for themselves. That’s powerful.
It’s also interesting how you frame things. You’re not trying to undo what happened to you—you’re not longing to be the person you were before the abuse. Instead, you’re fighting to reclaim the version of yourself who had the courage to report it the first time. That feels like such an important distinction.
Because from what you’ve described, it wasn’t just the abuse that broke you—it was what came after. You stood up, and instead of being protected, you were hit again—harder this time. And for a while, that strength to report was taken from you. But now, you’ve fought your way back to her—the person who refuses to be silent. And this time, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re building a framework to protect others.
That says so much about you.
You’ve already shared so much, and I really appreciate your insights. But if you ever have the time, I’d love to hear more about what kept bringing you back to the church after everything. What does it provide that you can’t get anywhere else?
That is a big question. I will preface my thoughts with, this is an ongoing, imperfect journey. I discussed this with my husband last night, as he has a different history with the church than my own. He grew up in Tulsa since the age of 8. He has seen big ministries come and go. His mother also received her MDiv from ORU and she pastored in the Methodist denomination here. There is a culture in Tulsa that creates new churches constantly, each one called to “do church differently” and yet usually they all look the same. My husband and I currently go to an AG church for our kids because they understand people should call the police if a crime is suspected.
My husband’s response to why we return to church is because he wants community and he wants us to live our lives as a family in community. We all are witnesses to each other’s lives, not just what happens on a platform for a couple hours a week. I agreed. It is for connection, community, and really, family. We tend to make church about living a kingdom life, and focusing on God’s kingdom which often digresses into a ministry kingdom. The whole point as I see it in the Bible, though, was that God’s kingdom is different and has different values than “the bigger the better.” It seems to be built more around a restoration to family, from Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden by a heartbroken God to the Prodigal Son walking away and coming back to find a father who was waiting for his return. We simply are meant to be in family, and church as the Body of Christ is the continuation of that family story. Some seasons of life we may have a great brick and mortar church to go to, but we also always have everyday brothers and sisters who believe God is Father and Jesus died to restore us. I’ve found hope in that. Philip Yancey has written several books that have helped me through the process of healing, and he said it best: “As I look back on my own pilgrimage, marked by wanderings, detours, and dead ends, I see now that what pulled me along was my search for grace. I rejected the church for a time because I found so little grace there. I returned because I found grace nowhere else.” God has always been trying to restore our sense of family. That’s part of why abuse in the church is so evil. It brings that abuse into a family setting, people who were never meant to harm each other. We escape that abuse and discover our agency once again to be able to say what isn’t allowed in our boundaries, in our spiritual homes. We detangle from whatever unhealthy relational holds we experienced in those abusive settings. We return to the sense of family because there is nothing like it elsewhere. For me, that has looked like God bringing individual people into my life that were the Body of Christ to me in times I needed a friend. Sometimes that has led me to a church building because they went there or it has restored to me my hope in the church and I got up and went about the church hunt process and where I fit. I don’t look at churches the same anymore and I still move cautiously in committing to them, but I have the support system of believers that I truly believe God has brought around me so that I can navigate church-world itself.
Oh, and therapy, especially EMDR, helps tremendously to help process the trauma that can come from those abusive places and people. Tulsa is a city that feels like a small town and I have to live around the same people who spiritually abused me. Therapy has helped make that possible and has helped heal my fight/flight response and boundaries and sense of agency.
...I was a part of the Vineyard beginning in the late 80's and during the time Jack Deere was pastoring in Anaheim - In the days of The Kansas City Prophets, Mike Bickle, Paul Cain, Bob Jones, John Paul Jackson et al. Gratefully I only suffered the embarrassment of drinking the KoolAid. Nothing remotely close to what the victims of that regime have suffered. This like watching a horror show. We stopped going to church about 15 years ago and my faith has only grown stronger. Never say never but I can't see myself going back to any organized religion. Stephen you asked if anybody had thoughts on ways to heal, find clarity in the struggle and wisdom. A way of creating a vision for yourself wounds and all worthy of who you really are. A way to focus o that instead of the person who damaged you. I've been a therapist for over 20 years and have seen enough facets of CPTSD to leave me wondering why some are even alive. I currently work at a clinic that offers Ketamine for all manner of mental health issues. I have never see such dramatic results in my life. Ketamine is not a magic bullet and the Integration Phase must be attended to during and after the process. And it goes without saying there are a lot of bad clinics out there so be mindful in your research. To say that God showed up in my own experience is an understatement. Listening day in and day out to other's experiences has given me hope for any and all that suffer - it's an option
Cindy, Ketamine is amazing. I used it for something else and had IV treatments. The doctor who founded the clinic I went to took a significant pay cut to enter the field. He shared a lot of stories about veterans with suicidal ideation who, after a round of treatments, were forever changed.
To me, it feels like the pharmaceutical version of ayahuasca or psilocybin. I haven’t tried either, but I’ve wondered—are plant-based psychedelics like those inherently healthier than synthetic ones, or is that just a common assumption?
Stephen, The Doc I work for also took significant pay cut to do this work. I'm sending you a link to his February 2025 Newsletter that will answer your question about differences between synthetics and plant based medicine https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ogbl#inbox/FMfcgzQZTCgLJzMkJDVCgDHzpRlbSPdK - also if you check out Joe Rogan podcast #2251 they will go more in depth with research, bringing public awareness of the efficacy of these medicines and where we are in the political landscape of getting approval.
As an aside. I do a series of 6 Ketamine Infusions every Jan. I just finished my 2025 round where one of the themes was a trajectory time line of spiritual transformation. This is what I journaled after that particular infusion 1/9/2025 "The Road to Transformation: I saw in my mind’s eye the mid to late 1990’s a Conference at Kansas City Metro Vineyard– A prayer I had for myself, 1 Kings 3:5-15 was given to me prophetically, I’m not sure by who, but the face of Jack Deere is before me..." As we say in the Ketamine world "you can't make this S&*^t up" Blessings to you on your journey to wherever you land - I'm right there with you...
I highly recommend you look into the safe environment policies of the nearest Catholic diocese to you. I'm a Catholic convert who came out of the Morningstar bubble and the breadth of policy protections in place in Catholic churches should be applauded. They are very thorough.
After I told my former leaders about being spiritually abused by my former director in the ministry that I left (and after their almost nonchalant attitude about it), I realized that it is hard for them to take me at my word because they are deeply loyal to my former director.
After that meeting, I spoke with a friend who was also spiritually abused by the same guy, and he was sympathetic to my situation. He said, "What can I do to help you through this?" Without hesitating, I said, "Just make sure he never hurts anyone else again."
Two things re: restitution. 1) To me, the most painful thing as I'm walking through my healing journey is this sense that I have that so many people loves my former director. They would take a bullet for him. That's how loyal they are to him. These folks are also mutual friends (or so, I think), and it hurts to see that if they have to choose between being loyal to me or to my former director, they'd very well choose him at the drop of the hat. There's a reason why I have not been able to really come out and spell it out to the world that this well-known leader I'm naming have spiritually abused me during me 10 years of ministry. I am terrified of the pain of people abandoning me because they would choose to be loyal to him, and not me. When my mutually-abused friend asked me what he can do to help me, that was like balm to my soul. He communicated to me his loyalty, that he was on my side. He was for me and not against me. Victims often find it hard to get loyalty from the ministry community. Restitution means that we are received by the community and not cast away for speaking up against "the anointed". That speaking up wouldn't turn us into social pariahs.
2) To me, at least, I feel restituted, not when I get my vengeance. In fact, I have no desire for vengeance. I am doing my best to put the past behind me and move forward in healing (despite constant rewinding of memories and being retraumatized). But I do have regrets from my past. I regret not standing up for myself and standing up for others when I saw my former director spiritually abusing other people. I am restituted when nobody else gets hurt again. Because I was hurt, I want to protect others. While people might not believe my spiritual abuse story, I want to regain the power I lost by speaking up for others when I see him trying to hurt people who couldn't speak for themselves. And I want others to do the same for potential victims, even if they can't stand up for me anymore.
Carolyn, I need to spend more time reflecting on this. Your thoughts are incredibly layered and thought-provoking. This sentence felt like a gut punch: "Restitution means that we are received by the community and not cast away for speaking up against 'the anointed.' That speaking up wouldn't turn us into social pariahs."
I've spent virtually no time considering what restitution looks like in the context of spiritual abuse, and now a flood of questions is coming up. But I’m not sure if they’re the right ones. I want to revisit this after I’ve had more time to sit with it. Thank you.
My wife and I have not attended a church in about 7 years, although we tried the internet church watching for awhile. The scandals have ruled out Charismania, as now we know that it is an old tired wineskin that has proved to be more of a distraction to our walk with Jesus than a help. The superstar model is a trap for Christianity — it breeds a no-disciple making environment, only audiences watching entertainment.
My experience with abuse and trauma happened outside of the church as well when I was young and then a young adult. I didn’t then know the Lord very well, but all I can say is that He was patient with me and He intervened to guide and heal me when I realized that I needed Him.
What occurred for me when all these scandals broke, but most specifically with MB (we used to attend KCF) was anger for me. To realize that he was basically the same as my pagan father, but covered it with Bible verses and Christianese, it really set me off, and then to watch so many so-called leaders rise to defend MB rather than seek to comfort and care for victims was just beyond the pale. It opened my eyes to the religious facade, the one I disliked which has kept me from plugging into church. This time, however, it was different— Jesus’ words of rebuke of the Pharisees (Charismatics) and Sadducees (mainline denominations) became more understandable.
The exposure of the true condition of the church is basically paralleling with the exposure of our government — corruption coming to light. The hope is that just like the exposure of corruption in our government is giving us a chance to clean it up with a new administration, the church will also experience this cleanup with a new era of leaders rising and Christians see it more clearly.
If I could use another analogy— I’m sure you have heard about RFK Jr being considered for HHS Secretary. What he will bring is exposure of the corruption in the medical and food industries, using unhealthy and dangerous chemicals that other countries have already banned. However, some are in opposition because they like it the way it is, even though RFK Jr and others have shown how harmful those chemicals and processes are. Why would they want those harmful things? Could it be that they are addicted to the old, or profit personally from it? Well, I think Charismatics have a similar problem— addicted to the old or profiting off it in some way. How can they stop the connection or addiction to the “old wine”? The appetite has to change, or “detox” — I recognized that I was addicted or used to the Charismatic model of “doing church” or relating to God. So, I have begun going back to memories and things that bring me back to relating to God BEFORE I got exposed to Charismania. I started listening to 1970s Christian music, going over experiences and words He spoke to me back then when I was a young Christian. It has been healing for me.
What also has been difficult for me (& my wife) for the past 30 years is the lonely existence, not really fitting in anywhere from a church perspective. What I’m starting to understand is I’m not the only one experiencing this.This is also a hope for me— that there is purpose in what God is doing, which is shaping and transitioning many of us to a new era, with renewed purpose and vision.
Michael, Thanks for the response. This sentence stood out to me: “The superstar model is a trap for Christianity — it breeds a no-disciple making environment, only audiences watching entertainment.” It sounds like your describing a religious environment that values comfort over comforting the afflicted. Is that right? How would you structure a church differently? How would you rebuild it from the ground up?
The Book of Acts has some clues to how it should be structured. First off, there were no huge buildings to maintain — they met in homes. No stage to stand on, which removes the performance nature. Jesus was very clear that the greatest among His followers would be last, the lowest servants. They would read the letters circulated from Paul and others to encourage, exhort or teach them, pray for the sick, and share the Gospel message of Jesus. The Jewish believers likely continued to go to synagogue on the Sabbath, where they would get teaching on the OT. You might remember that the Vineyard Anaheim had training classes one or two days a week, and encouraged folks to join kinship groups, which were modeled after the early church meeting style. I think that church came the closest— it’s now a superstar church like the other charismatic traps, unfortunately. We need fathers & mothers in the faith with godly character, not snake oil salesmen selling a product that is fake, not the real thing. The kinship group leaders back in the 1980s at the Anaheim Vineyard were called “facilitators”. They just facilitated what they saw the Spirit doing in their home meetings. It was based off what Jesus said “I do what I see my Father doing”. These men & women were trained in this manner at the training center. They also were taught to watch for emerging leaders within their groups who could then start another kinship group to facilitate (groups were split when they got too large — 12 to 15 was the optimum size). The entire purpose for these groups was to facilitate care for each member, train them in the gifts of the Spirit to care for each other and consider reaching out to others in their community who also need that same care. They were encouraged to invite their neighbors, family members, etc to their kinship groups.
If you're looking for wisdom then I'm probably not qualified. You stated: "But I still need to figure out what the highest version of myself looks like—wounds and all." Well, one thing I CAN do Stephen Deere is to point in a direction where such help seems to abound: https://www.youtube.com/@ruthwise2159 - All the best on your journey to wholeness!
Donna, I'm listening. It helps to hear from someone who disagrees. I think forgiveness is crucial. And you might be picking up on something in my dark humor — or neuroticism — that I'm barely aware of. For me, finding forgiveness starts with first locating the source of the hurt. I guess that's one of the real downsides of burying pain, ignoring it, and confusing that with strength or resilience. How have you come to define unforgiveness for yourself? How do you distinguish it from anger? How do you recognize it and keep it from seeping into your cup?
I don't understand why you would consider that lawfare. That is a defamation case and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself against accusations that have been made against him in the courts of public opinion - where no justice has EVER be achieved.
These are deep questions to be wrestled with. What a great blog to write because it allows your audience to process together. It helps me to gain clarity as I grapple through my thoughts and fight to find words.
I, like you, have found meaning and clarity in the struggle… but it does ebb and flow. Some days, it is much easier than others to find it, but with time, it becomes clearer.
Steven, I am restating your definitions here as I refer back to them.
Restitution - repayment or compensation for harm done.
Restoration - making something whole again or reinstating what was lost.
First - Let's address restitution. I think restitution is only possible if the foundation of the church/community is established in such a way that it seeks to love, honor, and protect its body of believers. There must be proper checks and balances for accountability in place. I’m not one to pretend to know what that looks like, but I am aware that there are some church bodies fighting to establish just this! I believe I’ve heard Michael Miller with Reclamation Church in Denver is working to construct something of the sort. The very foundation of the church must have a plan in place to handle situations of clergy spritual abuse and sexual abuse. Let's face it, without safeguards in place those pastors/leaders are human and they are prone to sin, just as we all are. Power and influence can create a sense of invincibility with little, to no accountability, resulting in abusive behaviors. I think without a foundation already set, finding restitution within the church/community that has caused the harm, is very unlikely to happen. They are neither prepared nor educated on how to handle such situations.
As I reflect on my experience at IHOPKC I can’t help but replay the countless scenarios that could have had the potential of such different outcomes. Restitution, to me, looks like humility. Restitution could have been possible if the cries of injustice were met with a genuine response of empathy and concern. A humble response could have brought so much safety, healing, and depth of relationship within our community. To be heard, validated, and yes, even protected, would have provided my heart, and the hearts of others, with much-needed comfort as well as a token of trust in the leadership. In the beginning for me, it wasn’t even a matter of who was right or wrong. It was more about being heard, validated, and protected when harm was being committed. As things within the IHOP community intensified due to the amount of allegations coming forward against Mike, if leadership had come together and addressed a hurting community with something like the following:
“You know, we have failed so miserably in protecting and hearing the cries of those who were hurting and abused. Our leadership has failed, would you forgive us? Would you help us make this a safe place?” Add in your own words here. You get the picture. What needed to be said from leadership was something that stated empathy, validation, and ownership with a desire to make it right.
Despite things having been handled so poorly in the beginning, words like this, or something along these lines could have helped bring the much-needed healing my soul was longing for. This is what I had HOPED for but sadly this has not been IHOPKC’s response. (I want to clarify when I say IHOPKC I also am referring to Forerunner Church as they are one and the same.) This has not even been the response of individual leaders within the body, except for those who have left the church because of their convictions. The lack of accountability and ownership within our IHOP community by the leadership reflects the very foundation it was built on. It signals a red flag waving that says this church/community is unable to move forward healthily. For churches/communities seeking to have proper checks, balances, and accountability in place, I also think there should be an allocation of finances to provide professional counseling to help bring restoration to those who have been harmed.
Restoration: I love this word and the hope it embodies! Restoration is a process and it takes time. When I am talking about restoration, I am not talking about the restoration of the perpetrator or abuser but rather of the restoration of the one harmed. This isn’t a one-and-done thing, it's a process. In my opinion, how a church/community responds to restitution can profoundly impact the individual's restoration process. When good care is provided the healing can occur more quickly. If a church/community is unhealthy - much like that of IHOPCK, then finding the path to restoration can be much more difficult.
My restitution came through a good therapist (more than one I might add!) and supportive friends and family providing me the opportunity to heal while restoring my heart and soul. God, in his gentleness, has somehow walked me through the fire. The restoration has been, and will continue to be, a slow process that has come by way of countless different avenues, because for me, the church doesn’t feel safe right now and that’s OK.
This experience has taught me so much. I am not ready to go back to church but there will be a time when I am, and when I do, I will be all the wiser in asking questions regarding church governance and transparency. I, like you Stephen, will want to know about policies in place that deal with clergy sexual abuse and spiritual abuse. I don’t believe all churches are bad or all pastors are evil predators who are out for their own gain. I am not cynical, bitter, or unforgiving. I am also not as naive as I once was to believe that pastors or leaders are all good and they have my wellbeing in mind as they lead.
As difficult and painful as this whole experience has been, I can honestly say I have become a better version of myself. It has been a brutally steep learning curve. I don’t see my mistakes and failures as setbacks but rather as opportunities to learn and grow from them. My faith and my love for God have become much more rooted and grounded because amid all the “ICK” I have continued to see his faithfulness to me and my children. He has had my back even when I couldn’t see it. I am filled with more hope for the future than I ever was before. All of our journeys will look different and that’s OK. We need to be kind and patient with ourselves and trust that God will lead us in our healing because he is good and he cares.
I sign off with this….he truly is giving me beauty for ashes and for this I am grateful!
Isaiah 61:3 “To all who mourn I will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, and praise instead of despair.”
Great to see someone who shares my struggle in going back to church. Our struggles may differ on this matter, but I believe they match up. I'm struggling to go back to church because every single church we've gone to in the past decade or so has been pastor-centric. I say this meaning the pastors are so disconnected from the congregation and the churches being just money machines. Along with mucho Charismatic abuse (I say this as a Charismatic). I'll leave it at that for now and hope to see others who can provide answers.
Hi Stephen, thank you for sharing your thoughts and journey. How did I begin to heal? I've ended up at ground zero in many ways. First thing was to 'park' what my theology on the prophetic is to one side, and I'll return to that later. Next was to throw out all the prophetic words I'd had (sounds drastic, but sometimes the baby has to go with the bathwater) because those words were too tangled in the echo chamber of a toxic church culture. Those false words were used to manipulate and keep me serving one man's personal vision and his quest for significance, and the soil that it all thrived in was a hyper-charismatic environment. An example: I don't want to hear I'm part of the 'nameless faceless generation' (stripping identity), and then be told I'm an Esther or a Shulamite (replacing my identity). I need to discover who I am again apart from these identities that were imposed on me. Another simple thing I've done, is just give myself permission to step out the busyness, stay close to home, and find moments of solitude. The whole 'urgency of the hour' thing just put immense pressure on me/us to pray in revival and give ourselves into the cause wholeheartedly without just enjoying the simplicity of moments with my family. Exhausting. Lastly, I love to study and think, so reading and finding language to understand how to recover - immensely helpful. Time is my friend, and I'm in no rush to get all healed up and onto the next thing. I keep stepping forward one day at a time, expecting that it won't always be smooth sailing, but that it'll be beautiful, raw and real.
On the restitution question - that seems impossible. How will I, or many of us, ever have those lost years compensated for? How do we speak up and tell our stories of prolonged and systematic spiritual abuse? This is costly as you will have seen. The response to revelations of a well-loved leader being an abuser, range from disbelief that a hero could be a villain, to those where the narrative is turned on the victim. It's too much to bear for many. How can there be full restoration and restitution without full light on the abuse that took place? Many won't do this, because of the further pain that it will cause. This is why many stay silent.
I have more questions than answers at present. And I'm grateful to others who are asking them too. I'm watching many of your journeys and hope we can find a collective space to breathe, process, feel safe, and find a measure of freedom.
How do we heal?
Something I'm trying to figure out.
Some of the worst abuse I experienced was while working in a mission organization. My observation was and still is that many very wounded people become missionaries in their struggle to feel worthy of love. A friend in that organization told me the percentage of mentally ill within the organization was higher than in the general population.
And then there is evil, people sent by the evil one. My experience was confusing, but evil creates confusion. For many years I wondered, is this person just weak and overcome by temptation or is he a wolf in sheep clothing. I never got a clear answer and eventually was able to lay my experiences at The Lord’s feet. HE knows. I don’t have to. HE judges with perfect understanding, knowledge, goodness. HIS judgment will be perfect! I rest in that.
For many years red flags and blaring alarms went off in my head whenever I met people with similar characteristics. I’ve learned not to go back to the mission campus or church where these things happened. On the campus I’m always attacked by someone I’ve just met. They don’t know me but the demonic realm does.
Healing began in a small group of Christians who came to know, love and care for me. Talking about what happened in a safe place helped me process. They found it hard to believe or relate to some of it but their prayers brought me through the worst of it.
I was slow to acknowledge abuse that happened early in life, outside the church , so I didn’t deal with it for 45- years. Because of lack of trust it was hard to even voice much of it. There were years of self discovery,understanding, revelation. God was kind to bring special people into my life who saw me better than I saw myself and encouraged me to learn counseling techniques. There were also books on abuse that helped explain my experiences.
Eventually I discovered I’d disassociated from the earliest events. They were not sexual or ritual so integration was relatively simple using timeline therapy.
Still it is a journey. What I see is different from most Christians.
I have decided to remove my comments from your article after seeing what you wrote about Eric Volz. Really? Trying to bring him under a cloud of suspicion because Daniel Ortega needed an Americano fall guy in a murder case. You really should be ashamed.
I understand. I went to ORU and was spiritually abused when I reported sexual harassment/sexual battery against myself and other students. It took years after that to sort through all that took place. I attended a Baptist church for a bit in an attempt to get away from the charismatic abuse. There I had a pastor…well, let’s just say he acted inappropriately. I never reported that, in the haze of all the previous spiritual abuse. In the healing process, I ironically ended up going to Gateway. Things there after awhile seemed “off” among some of the lower pastoral staff (never would have imagined all that has come out, though). Ended up going to an AG college which did bring me healing and stability. They have a process for reported abuse. Even with that, there will always be stories of things that weren’t handled well. I’m currently back in Tulsa, land of ORU. I’ve leaned toward AG because of their process for reporting abuse (their children’s department says call police first and then them, which I appreciate).
More than anything, though, I have had to be wise and know that no matter how discerning I or others are, abuse happens. So I find confidence more in helping my kids and our family have our process of reporting and making issues clear. I’ve taught my kids all the correct anatomical names and I’ve taught them that their body is their own and worth protecting and no one should be touching them in certain areas/ways. And that we don’t keep secrets so not to listen to anyone trying to keep a secret with them. Then, when we have our kids in a church/christian/kids activity, I let the organization/leaders know: the kids know their body parts, the kids don’t keep secrets, and we call police. If there is a problem with that, it pretty much makes it clear what the organization processes are. It also places that value and protection over our kids and their friends.
It took me years to come back to the person I was in college who reported abuse and to have that confidence again. This time around, I’m not going to be “loyal” to an organization over God’s protection of people, even if the organization is fully convinced they are “God’s anointed.”
Carissa, wow. I think accepting that abuse will inevitably happen within the church is a hard but necessary truth. What truly defines the character of an institution isn’t whether harm occurs—it’s how the church responds when it does.
I also really appreciated this:
"Then, when we have our kids in a church/Christian/kids activity, I let the organization/leaders know: the kids know their body parts, the kids don’t keep secrets, and we call the police. If there is a problem with that, it pretty much makes it clear what the organization processes are."
That’s such a stronger, clearer approach than what I had in mind. Instead of being antagonistic, you’re assertive—you’re setting boundaries upfront rather than reacting after something goes wrong. You’re not just establishing your own expectations within the institution; you’re actively teaching your children to advocate for themselves. That’s powerful.
It’s also interesting how you frame things. You’re not trying to undo what happened to you—you’re not longing to be the person you were before the abuse. Instead, you’re fighting to reclaim the version of yourself who had the courage to report it the first time. That feels like such an important distinction.
Because from what you’ve described, it wasn’t just the abuse that broke you—it was what came after. You stood up, and instead of being protected, you were hit again—harder this time. And for a while, that strength to report was taken from you. But now, you’ve fought your way back to her—the person who refuses to be silent. And this time, you’re not just protecting yourself—you’re building a framework to protect others.
That says so much about you.
You’ve already shared so much, and I really appreciate your insights. But if you ever have the time, I’d love to hear more about what kept bringing you back to the church after everything. What does it provide that you can’t get anywhere else?
That is a big question. I will preface my thoughts with, this is an ongoing, imperfect journey. I discussed this with my husband last night, as he has a different history with the church than my own. He grew up in Tulsa since the age of 8. He has seen big ministries come and go. His mother also received her MDiv from ORU and she pastored in the Methodist denomination here. There is a culture in Tulsa that creates new churches constantly, each one called to “do church differently” and yet usually they all look the same. My husband and I currently go to an AG church for our kids because they understand people should call the police if a crime is suspected.
My husband’s response to why we return to church is because he wants community and he wants us to live our lives as a family in community. We all are witnesses to each other’s lives, not just what happens on a platform for a couple hours a week. I agreed. It is for connection, community, and really, family. We tend to make church about living a kingdom life, and focusing on God’s kingdom which often digresses into a ministry kingdom. The whole point as I see it in the Bible, though, was that God’s kingdom is different and has different values than “the bigger the better.” It seems to be built more around a restoration to family, from Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden by a heartbroken God to the Prodigal Son walking away and coming back to find a father who was waiting for his return. We simply are meant to be in family, and church as the Body of Christ is the continuation of that family story. Some seasons of life we may have a great brick and mortar church to go to, but we also always have everyday brothers and sisters who believe God is Father and Jesus died to restore us. I’ve found hope in that. Philip Yancey has written several books that have helped me through the process of healing, and he said it best: “As I look back on my own pilgrimage, marked by wanderings, detours, and dead ends, I see now that what pulled me along was my search for grace. I rejected the church for a time because I found so little grace there. I returned because I found grace nowhere else.” God has always been trying to restore our sense of family. That’s part of why abuse in the church is so evil. It brings that abuse into a family setting, people who were never meant to harm each other. We escape that abuse and discover our agency once again to be able to say what isn’t allowed in our boundaries, in our spiritual homes. We detangle from whatever unhealthy relational holds we experienced in those abusive settings. We return to the sense of family because there is nothing like it elsewhere. For me, that has looked like God bringing individual people into my life that were the Body of Christ to me in times I needed a friend. Sometimes that has led me to a church building because they went there or it has restored to me my hope in the church and I got up and went about the church hunt process and where I fit. I don’t look at churches the same anymore and I still move cautiously in committing to them, but I have the support system of believers that I truly believe God has brought around me so that I can navigate church-world itself.
Oh, and therapy, especially EMDR, helps tremendously to help process the trauma that can come from those abusive places and people. Tulsa is a city that feels like a small town and I have to live around the same people who spiritually abused me. Therapy has helped make that possible and has helped heal my fight/flight response and boundaries and sense of agency.
...I was a part of the Vineyard beginning in the late 80's and during the time Jack Deere was pastoring in Anaheim - In the days of The Kansas City Prophets, Mike Bickle, Paul Cain, Bob Jones, John Paul Jackson et al. Gratefully I only suffered the embarrassment of drinking the KoolAid. Nothing remotely close to what the victims of that regime have suffered. This like watching a horror show. We stopped going to church about 15 years ago and my faith has only grown stronger. Never say never but I can't see myself going back to any organized religion. Stephen you asked if anybody had thoughts on ways to heal, find clarity in the struggle and wisdom. A way of creating a vision for yourself wounds and all worthy of who you really are. A way to focus o that instead of the person who damaged you. I've been a therapist for over 20 years and have seen enough facets of CPTSD to leave me wondering why some are even alive. I currently work at a clinic that offers Ketamine for all manner of mental health issues. I have never see such dramatic results in my life. Ketamine is not a magic bullet and the Integration Phase must be attended to during and after the process. And it goes without saying there are a lot of bad clinics out there so be mindful in your research. To say that God showed up in my own experience is an understatement. Listening day in and day out to other's experiences has given me hope for any and all that suffer - it's an option
Cindy, Ketamine is amazing. I used it for something else and had IV treatments. The doctor who founded the clinic I went to took a significant pay cut to enter the field. He shared a lot of stories about veterans with suicidal ideation who, after a round of treatments, were forever changed.
To me, it feels like the pharmaceutical version of ayahuasca or psilocybin. I haven’t tried either, but I’ve wondered—are plant-based psychedelics like those inherently healthier than synthetic ones, or is that just a common assumption?
Stephen, The Doc I work for also took significant pay cut to do this work. I'm sending you a link to his February 2025 Newsletter that will answer your question about differences between synthetics and plant based medicine https://mail.google.com/mail/u/0/?ogbl#inbox/FMfcgzQZTCgLJzMkJDVCgDHzpRlbSPdK - also if you check out Joe Rogan podcast #2251 they will go more in depth with research, bringing public awareness of the efficacy of these medicines and where we are in the political landscape of getting approval.
As an aside. I do a series of 6 Ketamine Infusions every Jan. I just finished my 2025 round where one of the themes was a trajectory time line of spiritual transformation. This is what I journaled after that particular infusion 1/9/2025 "The Road to Transformation: I saw in my mind’s eye the mid to late 1990’s a Conference at Kansas City Metro Vineyard– A prayer I had for myself, 1 Kings 3:5-15 was given to me prophetically, I’m not sure by who, but the face of Jack Deere is before me..." As we say in the Ketamine world "you can't make this S&*^t up" Blessings to you on your journey to wherever you land - I'm right there with you...
I highly recommend you look into the safe environment policies of the nearest Catholic diocese to you. I'm a Catholic convert who came out of the Morningstar bubble and the breadth of policy protections in place in Catholic churches should be applauded. They are very thorough.
After I told my former leaders about being spiritually abused by my former director in the ministry that I left (and after their almost nonchalant attitude about it), I realized that it is hard for them to take me at my word because they are deeply loyal to my former director.
After that meeting, I spoke with a friend who was also spiritually abused by the same guy, and he was sympathetic to my situation. He said, "What can I do to help you through this?" Without hesitating, I said, "Just make sure he never hurts anyone else again."
Two things re: restitution. 1) To me, the most painful thing as I'm walking through my healing journey is this sense that I have that so many people loves my former director. They would take a bullet for him. That's how loyal they are to him. These folks are also mutual friends (or so, I think), and it hurts to see that if they have to choose between being loyal to me or to my former director, they'd very well choose him at the drop of the hat. There's a reason why I have not been able to really come out and spell it out to the world that this well-known leader I'm naming have spiritually abused me during me 10 years of ministry. I am terrified of the pain of people abandoning me because they would choose to be loyal to him, and not me. When my mutually-abused friend asked me what he can do to help me, that was like balm to my soul. He communicated to me his loyalty, that he was on my side. He was for me and not against me. Victims often find it hard to get loyalty from the ministry community. Restitution means that we are received by the community and not cast away for speaking up against "the anointed". That speaking up wouldn't turn us into social pariahs.
2) To me, at least, I feel restituted, not when I get my vengeance. In fact, I have no desire for vengeance. I am doing my best to put the past behind me and move forward in healing (despite constant rewinding of memories and being retraumatized). But I do have regrets from my past. I regret not standing up for myself and standing up for others when I saw my former director spiritually abusing other people. I am restituted when nobody else gets hurt again. Because I was hurt, I want to protect others. While people might not believe my spiritual abuse story, I want to regain the power I lost by speaking up for others when I see him trying to hurt people who couldn't speak for themselves. And I want others to do the same for potential victims, even if they can't stand up for me anymore.
Carolyn, I need to spend more time reflecting on this. Your thoughts are incredibly layered and thought-provoking. This sentence felt like a gut punch: "Restitution means that we are received by the community and not cast away for speaking up against 'the anointed.' That speaking up wouldn't turn us into social pariahs."
I've spent virtually no time considering what restitution looks like in the context of spiritual abuse, and now a flood of questions is coming up. But I’m not sure if they’re the right ones. I want to revisit this after I’ve had more time to sit with it. Thank you.
My wife and I have not attended a church in about 7 years, although we tried the internet church watching for awhile. The scandals have ruled out Charismania, as now we know that it is an old tired wineskin that has proved to be more of a distraction to our walk with Jesus than a help. The superstar model is a trap for Christianity — it breeds a no-disciple making environment, only audiences watching entertainment.
My experience with abuse and trauma happened outside of the church as well when I was young and then a young adult. I didn’t then know the Lord very well, but all I can say is that He was patient with me and He intervened to guide and heal me when I realized that I needed Him.
What occurred for me when all these scandals broke, but most specifically with MB (we used to attend KCF) was anger for me. To realize that he was basically the same as my pagan father, but covered it with Bible verses and Christianese, it really set me off, and then to watch so many so-called leaders rise to defend MB rather than seek to comfort and care for victims was just beyond the pale. It opened my eyes to the religious facade, the one I disliked which has kept me from plugging into church. This time, however, it was different— Jesus’ words of rebuke of the Pharisees (Charismatics) and Sadducees (mainline denominations) became more understandable.
The exposure of the true condition of the church is basically paralleling with the exposure of our government — corruption coming to light. The hope is that just like the exposure of corruption in our government is giving us a chance to clean it up with a new administration, the church will also experience this cleanup with a new era of leaders rising and Christians see it more clearly.
If I could use another analogy— I’m sure you have heard about RFK Jr being considered for HHS Secretary. What he will bring is exposure of the corruption in the medical and food industries, using unhealthy and dangerous chemicals that other countries have already banned. However, some are in opposition because they like it the way it is, even though RFK Jr and others have shown how harmful those chemicals and processes are. Why would they want those harmful things? Could it be that they are addicted to the old, or profit personally from it? Well, I think Charismatics have a similar problem— addicted to the old or profiting off it in some way. How can they stop the connection or addiction to the “old wine”? The appetite has to change, or “detox” — I recognized that I was addicted or used to the Charismatic model of “doing church” or relating to God. So, I have begun going back to memories and things that bring me back to relating to God BEFORE I got exposed to Charismania. I started listening to 1970s Christian music, going over experiences and words He spoke to me back then when I was a young Christian. It has been healing for me.
What also has been difficult for me (& my wife) for the past 30 years is the lonely existence, not really fitting in anywhere from a church perspective. What I’m starting to understand is I’m not the only one experiencing this.This is also a hope for me— that there is purpose in what God is doing, which is shaping and transitioning many of us to a new era, with renewed purpose and vision.
Michael, Thanks for the response. This sentence stood out to me: “The superstar model is a trap for Christianity — it breeds a no-disciple making environment, only audiences watching entertainment.” It sounds like your describing a religious environment that values comfort over comforting the afflicted. Is that right? How would you structure a church differently? How would you rebuild it from the ground up?
The Book of Acts has some clues to how it should be structured. First off, there were no huge buildings to maintain — they met in homes. No stage to stand on, which removes the performance nature. Jesus was very clear that the greatest among His followers would be last, the lowest servants. They would read the letters circulated from Paul and others to encourage, exhort or teach them, pray for the sick, and share the Gospel message of Jesus. The Jewish believers likely continued to go to synagogue on the Sabbath, where they would get teaching on the OT. You might remember that the Vineyard Anaheim had training classes one or two days a week, and encouraged folks to join kinship groups, which were modeled after the early church meeting style. I think that church came the closest— it’s now a superstar church like the other charismatic traps, unfortunately. We need fathers & mothers in the faith with godly character, not snake oil salesmen selling a product that is fake, not the real thing. The kinship group leaders back in the 1980s at the Anaheim Vineyard were called “facilitators”. They just facilitated what they saw the Spirit doing in their home meetings. It was based off what Jesus said “I do what I see my Father doing”. These men & women were trained in this manner at the training center. They also were taught to watch for emerging leaders within their groups who could then start another kinship group to facilitate (groups were split when they got too large — 12 to 15 was the optimum size). The entire purpose for these groups was to facilitate care for each member, train them in the gifts of the Spirit to care for each other and consider reaching out to others in their community who also need that same care. They were encouraged to invite their neighbors, family members, etc to their kinship groups.
If you're looking for wisdom then I'm probably not qualified. You stated: "But I still need to figure out what the highest version of myself looks like—wounds and all." Well, one thing I CAN do Stephen Deere is to point in a direction where such help seems to abound: https://www.youtube.com/@ruthwise2159 - All the best on your journey to wholeness!
Donna, I'm listening. It helps to hear from someone who disagrees. I think forgiveness is crucial. And you might be picking up on something in my dark humor — or neuroticism — that I'm barely aware of. For me, finding forgiveness starts with first locating the source of the hurt. I guess that's one of the real downsides of burying pain, ignoring it, and confusing that with strength or resilience. How have you come to define unforgiveness for yourself? How do you distinguish it from anger? How do you recognize it and keep it from seeping into your cup?
Donna, After seeing your question I updated the piece with a link to a story about the lawfare. Here it is: https://www.kansascity.com/news/article299880174.html
I don't understand why you would consider that lawfare. That is a defamation case and he is perfectly within his rights to defend himself against accusations that have been made against him in the courts of public opinion - where no justice has EVER be achieved.